This gorgeous kid is my matthew. Ok so the metal in his mouth is not to my liking but then again its not my mouth.
It is almost 1am here and I have been up driving around the streets and madly phoning this little cherub because he "didn't want to" come home.... fair enough I said so just give me the address details and ph numbers and I will see you tomrw... HMMM bit of a sticky point that one was apparently.... he didn't feel that he could give me those details and hung up the phone on me.... everytime I called. OK soooo I went and took some frustration out on the kitchen... thought about it for a while and then got into my car to go cruise his regular skateboarding haunts. nope no matthew and for me well I discovered that driving a car even if a little tired is a ridiculous thing to attempt. I didn't feel right about Matthew..... I felt he was again into the dope and possibly the drinking.... his eyes tonite prove I am probably not wrong.
What is a mumsy to do at this stage???? I actually sank to a new low last week and phoned the local drug dept at the police station and reported my own child. :( god I am so sad that he even feels he needs these drugs.... I have lived the past many years having needed to take a wide range of assorted drugs and pain killers just to get by and I have hated every inch of it. For me there are huge wholes in my memory and there were huge black spots in my moods and day to day copeabilities. I have finally found a medication that for now pretty much removes all of the other pain killers and I can finally see that big nasty cloud of pain and shame lifting off of me. I am slowly returning to a me I haven't been for at least 7 yrs. He has lived with me thru all of that.... I just cannot understand why he does this. Anyway..... The police were great and came around ... about the same time as Matthew showed and pretty much let him know the path he is on.
sighhhhh ok thats enough its nearly 1am and I have yet another huge day tomorrow... ermmm today
HUGGLES
C
4 comments:
Hi sweetheart, I am so happy to see you blogging again. I honestly think it helps to write things down. It gives perspective somehow. You are going through so much right now and I wish I could help in some way. All I can do is pray and hope for you and that I am, and will continue, to do. Love to you my friend. Take good care J. xxx
I would like to say something meaningful and supportive - struggling to find the right words. That is really tough, hard decisions to make, hard to weather through...
Yes thankyou it was a very hard decision to make... but if you had seen the build up to this decision it would be more clear to you why. From my angle I can see a child heading for a future that could lead to disaster. I was at a loose end as to which fork in the road I should follow. I ended up listening to my gut instinct and chose this path. It was a difficult day to go through... extremely so. But I have no doubt in my mind that at the time it was absolutely the correct path. It turns out the local drug dept already knew of who I suspected my child was attaining his drugs from. (my child... I just can't believe we are actually talking about my CHILD here....sigh)
What happened to the baby with the gorgeous big brown eyes and the adorable could pinch cheeks. Where did my little huggle bunny go??? And when and how and why did any of this happen. I am not a lazy mumsy, I have always been nearby and interested and observant. I am a good mumsy... or so I had thought! The funny thing is.... although my Matt is giving me massive grief at the moment, deep in the pit of my gut I still have no fear for his future..... He really is a wonderful, kind-hearted, gorgeous soul and I am soooo sure he will do well with whatever path he chooses to follow. But in the meantime, he's just letting me know he's around I guess.
I just found your blog tonight - linked from "The Comfy Place" and am caught in your story, with your health and Laura's and your struggles with Matt. Hope all is better than when you last blogged. I also noticed in your profile that your husband goes away to work much of the year. That is my situation too. He teaches in another city four hours away (because that is where he could get a job) and I have a private practice here I don't choose to leave. It works well for us now - going into the fifth year - but not easy.
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