Sad

I am sad, I am sad for my little boy, where did it all go wrong? he was a adorable cheeky little monkey but somewhere it all went wrong. I am sad for my marriage, because we are now at the point where the we is no more. My husband can't accept my son and I can't accept that. So guess who loses it all. I miss happy along with happy came some degree of control and understanding of where life is heading, with sad there is nothing, just this huge black hole of nothing. I am sad for my little girl whose family has been torn apart and possibly will never be repaired again, I am sad that she will have to tumble into the black hole alongside me for a while. I am trying ohhh sooo hard to hide as much of this from her as humanly possible. The pain that accompanies sad is quite great.

everyone has an opinion!

am sick of it... everyone of my friends have an opinion on how I should or shouldn't be coping or dealing with this situation. I have even asked for them to stop just back off but the opinion must be said wether I am willing to listen to it or not. I don't need opinions right now!! Right now I just need a hug and some support. Although it is felt that by giving me opinions they are helping it is in fact not helping at all and only pushing my stress higher and higher to the point where I don't listen and hold the phone away... I am going to start screening calls. Matthew do you even care just how much stress you have added to my somewhat stressful life at the moment,...I am sick of crying! But as I have said to those who feel their opinions must be heard and my husband who understandably has had enough. While there is breath in my body I will never stop fighting to get the wonderful man who is locked inside behind the fog those drugs have created. Inside is the man I know he can be who is gentle and loving and caring and intelligent and ohhhh just a beautiful beautiful heart. I am close to breaking now tho matty there may not be much of me left at the end of this fight if you are not careful... is this what you are willing to risk? Losing me, Losing your little sisters mother? I am just not sure how much more of this I can fight against mate. Please Please Please Please I am begging you Please stop and think for just one second. Just stop and breath and try to fight this. Come back to me Matthew, come back and become the person you were always meant to be!

a little light in the dark

ok I just can't cry anymore, I am exhausted, I sleep but awaken feeling like I never sleep! Matthew has gone to a friends house for a few days, hopefully he will at least detox a little and maybe attain a less cloudy view of what is going on.
Mick unfortunately is at the end of his rope, he wants to just beat matthew or take things away from him. But I am getting in the way. I don't feel that it's going to help anything if we do that but I do understand my husbands opinion. My marriage is very very much on the rocks now and I am not sure if I have the energy to fight for it. I feel like thats all I do these days, I fight matthew to get him to wake up to himself, I fight my house to make it clean, I fight my husband over my children, I fight the bank over the finances (which we are only hanging onto by a thread) I fight my parents over matthew. God I just want some quiet and harmony.
This is exactly the reason why I do musicals and stage shows. Because although it adds a new kind of pressure its a different pressure and has nothing to do with my home life. When I am onstage my home life is irrelevant to the paying audience, they are not there to hear about how horrible my home life has become or how stressed I am or my health or anything outside of the play or musical. They infact are there for the same reason as I am performing, its a form of escapism, a chance to live in a different reality for a while. A chance to be someone else and just focus on nothing but the play or musical. Its something I am good at, and do well so it always (nearly) wraps up to a happy conclusion which involves laughter and relaxation.
This is a rocky path and the only way off this path is to go back over the rocks we have already tread on to get off the road and back to that fork that took us the wrong way. I can do this and I will do this. I just hope that I don't lose my husband or my child in the process.
Thats it for today... today I am battling the house.,... I will find the floor again and I will cure it of chaos (can't have anyone over syndrome)

What do you do??

As I sit here with my laptop on my lap, tears are streaming and I just can't seem to get them to stop. My 16yr old son would (in my unqualified, mummy opinion) be a raging alcoholic and drug addict. What the hell??? when did this happen where the heck was this fork in the road and how the hell did we end up on the wrong path. As a mummy it's hard not to take your child's misgivings and problems personally and to heart. I know this is not my fault, I know I did not put the drugs or the drink in his hands. But how the heck did this happen. I have seen this coming for quite some time you know and have tried every trick known to man to alter my son's path, all to no avail. God where is Dr Phil when you really need him! (ok bad joke I know).

I am trying (perhaps a little too hard) to stay unaffected, and am failing miserably I can't sleep I can't eat and I am getting regular full blown migraines. Before you say it yes I have spoken with my GP about all of this and no it seems I am not depressed, I am just overly stressed. Hell if I get any more stressed I may well sponataneously combust.

Ok now that I have that out of my system I best go, am off to pick up my terrible teen and organise for him to go stay elsewhere for a few days which has kindly been offered as a release for me by his girlfriends mum. She will try and pick up where I have left off to see if we can get matthew's head in the right space. More soon!