ok I just can't cry anymore, I am exhausted, I sleep but awaken feeling like I never sleep! Matthew has gone to a friends house for a few days, hopefully he will at least detox a little and maybe attain a less cloudy view of what is going on.
Mick unfortunately is at the end of his rope, he wants to just beat matthew or take things away from him. But I am getting in the way. I don't feel that it's going to help anything if we do that but I do understand my husbands opinion. My marriage is very very much on the rocks now and I am not sure if I have the energy to fight for it. I feel like thats all I do these days, I fight matthew to get him to wake up to himself, I fight my house to make it clean, I fight my husband over my children, I fight the bank over the finances (which we are only hanging onto by a thread) I fight my parents over matthew. God I just want some quiet and harmony.
This is exactly the reason why I do musicals and stage shows. Because although it adds a new kind of pressure its a different pressure and has nothing to do with my home life. When I am onstage my home life is irrelevant to the paying audience, they are not there to hear about how horrible my home life has become or how stressed I am or my health or anything outside of the play or musical. They infact are there for the same reason as I am performing, its a form of escapism, a chance to live in a different reality for a while. A chance to be someone else and just focus on nothing but the play or musical. Its something I am good at, and do well so it always (nearly) wraps up to a happy conclusion which involves laughter and relaxation.
This is a rocky path and the only way off this path is to go back over the rocks we have already tread on to get off the road and back to that fork that took us the wrong way. I can do this and I will do this. I just hope that I don't lose my husband or my child in the process.
Thats it for today... today I am battling the house.,... I will find the floor again and I will cure it of chaos (can't have anyone over syndrome)
a chapter closing
16 years ago
1 comment:
Darling great to see you really blogging again! I am so sorry to hear that everything is a battle for you right now. I really don't have anything terribly helpful for you but I have heard that acupuncture is particularly wonderful for migraines. My dear friend Meg of www.megcasey.com suffers terribly with migraines and acupuncture helps her amazingly well. Other than that prayer, and I was going to say relaxation or meditation but I think that is for you your stage shows so you are already doing that. I am sad that I have been so off the air with the cancer and surgery and pain to be a support to you but I will try to be here for you now if I can. Take care darling and believe in yourself. xx
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