and so it goes on.....

well, so much has happened since the uplifting he is home and on my terms post. I have kicked him out again. I am not sure I want him to come home this time. God what happened to him to make him like this, what did I do? I know that I shouldn't blame myself but seriously, where did it go wrong? I saw this coming, honestly I did and I did everything in my control to try to advert this disaster. I sent him to psychologists, I took him to the dr, I had the police raid my house in search for HIS drugs. I tried being more firm, more soft, more understanding, more intolerant. Nothing I have done has worked. I can't even begin to tell you how much this is messing with my head and the pain associated. I don't think I can cry any more though, I think I may be all cried out now.
He went to punch me this afternoon because I was trying to put my foot down to him. Then called me a name that NO Son should ever utter or even think about their own mother! I cannot and will not live with abuse and violence in my own home.... it is NOT acceptable for a man to raise his fist to a woman ... ever. So I did what I had to do, I told him to leave and not come back this time.
I even gave him the link to this page you know.... to see if I could chip through the ice that had formed around his heart to the little man I know is deep inside.... for a moment I had thought I had cracked through. That was all I asked for, was that little crack but it has quickly shut all my love out again.
I feel sick you know, when there are terrible things happening to wonderful people in my life. I feel terrible to not get this element in my life right. To not get through to my child that no matter, he is a part of me. Right now that part aches and outright hurts. There is just nothing left now.... just pain