update

ok... Matthew has moved in with his god father who has laid down the law. I have told Matty that due to recent behaviours that he cannot come here unless I have Mick or another "male" family member here. Matty did succeed in getting that job he had a trial for this morning and was asked to return to work this afternoon. I am happy for him, he will do well, besides from all the behaviours he has exhibited to me he is a very good and responsible worker. I know my decent matthew is in there.
Me well I thought I was cried out but have cried some more. I am definately on the mend now though. I can't wait for my husband (who works away from home in a mine) to return on Saturday. I need a hug!

and so it goes on.....

well, so much has happened since the uplifting he is home and on my terms post. I have kicked him out again. I am not sure I want him to come home this time. God what happened to him to make him like this, what did I do? I know that I shouldn't blame myself but seriously, where did it go wrong? I saw this coming, honestly I did and I did everything in my control to try to advert this disaster. I sent him to psychologists, I took him to the dr, I had the police raid my house in search for HIS drugs. I tried being more firm, more soft, more understanding, more intolerant. Nothing I have done has worked. I can't even begin to tell you how much this is messing with my head and the pain associated. I don't think I can cry any more though, I think I may be all cried out now.
He went to punch me this afternoon because I was trying to put my foot down to him. Then called me a name that NO Son should ever utter or even think about their own mother! I cannot and will not live with abuse and violence in my own home.... it is NOT acceptable for a man to raise his fist to a woman ... ever. So I did what I had to do, I told him to leave and not come back this time.
I even gave him the link to this page you know.... to see if I could chip through the ice that had formed around his heart to the little man I know is deep inside.... for a moment I had thought I had cracked through. That was all I asked for, was that little crack but it has quickly shut all my love out again.
I feel sick you know, when there are terrible things happening to wonderful people in my life. I feel terrible to not get this element in my life right. To not get through to my child that no matter, he is a part of me. Right now that part aches and outright hurts. There is just nothing left now.... just pain

And so the circle does turn

OK... Matt is home again, speaking all the correct answers, but we will see. I am a little brighter now. I am fighting a dreadful sore throat at the moment which I guess is quite possibly a result of all the stress. I spoke with Laura's physiotherapist yesterday and asked if he knew the best gym or trainer for me to begin my "tis time" get fit again regime. He has given me the name of a trainer who will be able to take into account all the surgeries I have had on my stomach and develop a program that will increase my fitness and develop that core strength that I so desperately need. Am a little nervous about exercising again, I am terrified of hernia's (I have already had the stoma redone 6 times due to my developing hernia's. Am kinda over the whole operation and going to hospital thing. Actually I might go see if I can get thru to this guy now again. I did ring yesterday but had to leave a message. Am a bit wary but oooo sooooo desperately do not want to be fat and I am rapidly getting there. Wish me luck!! will go make that call now before I chicken out.

for Matty

Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Matty.... I am trying I am really trying, but right now I am just so mad at you, at the world, at the universe. I am trying to understand where you are in life and accept. But I am mad because I love you and wether you chose to believe me or not.... nothing good will come of the pattern with booze and drugs right now. Please take this time to start anew, to begin the life you deserve and be the person that everyone but you can see that you can and will be. I do love you... deeply! But you have forced my hand, I cannot and will not accept drugs and abuse in my life and in your little sisters life. This is not what I want her to grow seeing. Its bad enough that you both have a knowlegde of pain and pain relief thru my own health issues, perhaps I was wrong in not hiding those problems from you both. At the time I felt that it was important you knew and understood what was happening with your mummy.

You are always welcome to be a part of your family, but due to recent occurences its time I put my foot down and make conditions for you.

* You NEED to accept that you have addiction problems

* You NEED to accept the help that we are all trying to give you

* You really do need to relearn respect, and know your place within this household and behave in that way

We love you Matty, you know that. But none of us are capable of staying with on this path of self destruction. Because it is destroying all of us alongside you. This is breaking my heart Matty!

Sad

I am sad, I am sad for my little boy, where did it all go wrong? he was a adorable cheeky little monkey but somewhere it all went wrong. I am sad for my marriage, because we are now at the point where the we is no more. My husband can't accept my son and I can't accept that. So guess who loses it all. I miss happy along with happy came some degree of control and understanding of where life is heading, with sad there is nothing, just this huge black hole of nothing. I am sad for my little girl whose family has been torn apart and possibly will never be repaired again, I am sad that she will have to tumble into the black hole alongside me for a while. I am trying ohhh sooo hard to hide as much of this from her as humanly possible. The pain that accompanies sad is quite great.

everyone has an opinion!

am sick of it... everyone of my friends have an opinion on how I should or shouldn't be coping or dealing with this situation. I have even asked for them to stop just back off but the opinion must be said wether I am willing to listen to it or not. I don't need opinions right now!! Right now I just need a hug and some support. Although it is felt that by giving me opinions they are helping it is in fact not helping at all and only pushing my stress higher and higher to the point where I don't listen and hold the phone away... I am going to start screening calls. Matthew do you even care just how much stress you have added to my somewhat stressful life at the moment,...I am sick of crying! But as I have said to those who feel their opinions must be heard and my husband who understandably has had enough. While there is breath in my body I will never stop fighting to get the wonderful man who is locked inside behind the fog those drugs have created. Inside is the man I know he can be who is gentle and loving and caring and intelligent and ohhhh just a beautiful beautiful heart. I am close to breaking now tho matty there may not be much of me left at the end of this fight if you are not careful... is this what you are willing to risk? Losing me, Losing your little sisters mother? I am just not sure how much more of this I can fight against mate. Please Please Please Please I am begging you Please stop and think for just one second. Just stop and breath and try to fight this. Come back to me Matthew, come back and become the person you were always meant to be!

a little light in the dark

ok I just can't cry anymore, I am exhausted, I sleep but awaken feeling like I never sleep! Matthew has gone to a friends house for a few days, hopefully he will at least detox a little and maybe attain a less cloudy view of what is going on.
Mick unfortunately is at the end of his rope, he wants to just beat matthew or take things away from him. But I am getting in the way. I don't feel that it's going to help anything if we do that but I do understand my husbands opinion. My marriage is very very much on the rocks now and I am not sure if I have the energy to fight for it. I feel like thats all I do these days, I fight matthew to get him to wake up to himself, I fight my house to make it clean, I fight my husband over my children, I fight the bank over the finances (which we are only hanging onto by a thread) I fight my parents over matthew. God I just want some quiet and harmony.
This is exactly the reason why I do musicals and stage shows. Because although it adds a new kind of pressure its a different pressure and has nothing to do with my home life. When I am onstage my home life is irrelevant to the paying audience, they are not there to hear about how horrible my home life has become or how stressed I am or my health or anything outside of the play or musical. They infact are there for the same reason as I am performing, its a form of escapism, a chance to live in a different reality for a while. A chance to be someone else and just focus on nothing but the play or musical. Its something I am good at, and do well so it always (nearly) wraps up to a happy conclusion which involves laughter and relaxation.
This is a rocky path and the only way off this path is to go back over the rocks we have already tread on to get off the road and back to that fork that took us the wrong way. I can do this and I will do this. I just hope that I don't lose my husband or my child in the process.
Thats it for today... today I am battling the house.,... I will find the floor again and I will cure it of chaos (can't have anyone over syndrome)

What do you do??

As I sit here with my laptop on my lap, tears are streaming and I just can't seem to get them to stop. My 16yr old son would (in my unqualified, mummy opinion) be a raging alcoholic and drug addict. What the hell??? when did this happen where the heck was this fork in the road and how the hell did we end up on the wrong path. As a mummy it's hard not to take your child's misgivings and problems personally and to heart. I know this is not my fault, I know I did not put the drugs or the drink in his hands. But how the heck did this happen. I have seen this coming for quite some time you know and have tried every trick known to man to alter my son's path, all to no avail. God where is Dr Phil when you really need him! (ok bad joke I know).

I am trying (perhaps a little too hard) to stay unaffected, and am failing miserably I can't sleep I can't eat and I am getting regular full blown migraines. Before you say it yes I have spoken with my GP about all of this and no it seems I am not depressed, I am just overly stressed. Hell if I get any more stressed I may well sponataneously combust.

Ok now that I have that out of my system I best go, am off to pick up my terrible teen and organise for him to go stay elsewhere for a few days which has kindly been offered as a release for me by his girlfriends mum. She will try and pick up where I have left off to see if we can get matthew's head in the right space. More soon!

Sneaky Mothering

Ok I don't know what to title this blog as I am just sitting with laptop on lap and typing. Hell I am not even sure what I will type...... (hmmm frighteneningly .. oo is that a word... my fingers are just going for it) Matthew has his up's and downs.... the latest in the lonnnnnnnnng line of downs involving every day usuage of pot, alcohol and now apparently he is trying ectasy (how do you spell it??) WHAT THE HELL!!!!!! OK sooooo I know I am totally not an easy mum to live with but seriously.... what do I do now????? OH MY FLIPPING GOD what did I not do or do wrong in bringing him up where he has an acceptance to these kinds of drugs... Am I being too over-protective... am I being intolerant. What do I do now.?????? OK, so enough whining... here is what I AM doing about it. I have told him NO NEVER acceptable. I have searched and thrown out implements for his pot smoking (actually this is and ongoing throw out...he brings them in, ... I go on a search and find mission.... I throw out) I found one of MY bottles of alcohol downstairs a few days back... a particularly nasty rum but he had it sooo I tipped in into toilet .. topped it up with tap water and put back on shelf in his room where I found it.
Now my other little angel is currently at the exact opposite to her big bro... god willing I can snap freeze her current goodlies in time for future effect. She is on a 8yr old I will be a big girl helping bender... OMG she is just soooo adorable. She would not leave the kitchen the other night until it was spotless as a surprise for me. You would not believe the job she pulled off WOW~! soooo to continue this pattern I spoiled her rotten all the next day.
My health has been a little up and down... am struggling a little with the migraines still and I have had another blockage that landed me in hospital for a few days again. UGH
But alas am home and on track again for what will be a busy busy busy month
I am filling in for 1 show only for a small one act play on the 25th Aug... I am Chairperson or Scribe for our local juvenille Eisteddfod for the morning sessions this week every morning... I am organising a vocal tuition workshops with a visiting opera singer, and then i am doing a 4 day acting techniques workshop with a travelling nida program. phew... then I think i fall in a heap ..... maybe!!

JUST A BIT OF A WHINGE

rightio sooo you are just going to have to tolerate me for a bit... it is way past pumpkin turning into stage and I am almost way past sleep.

This gorgeous kid is my matthew. Ok so the metal in his mouth is not to my liking but then again its not my mouth.

It is almost 1am here and I have been up driving around the streets and madly phoning this little cherub because he "didn't want to" come home.... fair enough I said so just give me the address details and ph numbers and I will see you tomrw... HMMM bit of a sticky point that one was apparently.... he didn't feel that he could give me those details and hung up the phone on me.... everytime I called. OK soooo I went and took some frustration out on the kitchen... thought about it for a while and then got into my car to go cruise his regular skateboarding haunts. nope no matthew and for me well I discovered that driving a car even if a little tired is a ridiculous thing to attempt. I didn't feel right about Matthew..... I felt he was again into the dope and possibly the drinking.... his eyes tonite prove I am probably not wrong.

What is a mumsy to do at this stage???? I actually sank to a new low last week and phoned the local drug dept at the police station and reported my own child. :( god I am so sad that he even feels he needs these drugs.... I have lived the past many years having needed to take a wide range of assorted drugs and pain killers just to get by and I have hated every inch of it. For me there are huge wholes in my memory and there were huge black spots in my moods and day to day copeabilities. I have finally found a medication that for now pretty much removes all of the other pain killers and I can finally see that big nasty cloud of pain and shame lifting off of me. I am slowly returning to a me I haven't been for at least 7 yrs. He has lived with me thru all of that.... I just cannot understand why he does this. Anyway..... The police were great and came around ... about the same time as Matthew showed and pretty much let him know the path he is on.

sighhhhh ok thats enough its nearly 1am and I have yet another huge day tomorrow... ermmm today

HUGGLES

C

MISS ME ???

hello again

I am sure that other than the beautiful Jen that this blog is purely for the sake of me getting some words out of my soul into the world.
Oakely Doakely.............. soooooo what has been happening. Well not alot but a great deal of alot, omg I make no sense at all even to me! Lets break this all down shall we.
My Health,..... well I went to Sydney a couple of times and saw a colorectal specialist down there about the periodic bleeding and pain and got the answers I needed. Bottom line Hehehe get it bottom OH DEAR it is just too late at night for these kinda lame jokes.... basically the bleeding and pain is not unexpected with the severity of the lack of peristalsis (movement ) that I have in my bowel. The surgeon feels there is nothing more that can be done about this problem than is being done. DARN!!!! (could say some other words here but I would get banned from blogging ever again) Good news is... my tummy has FINALLY decided to give me a break and start to behave... somewhat. I went thru a really bad patch of neck pain and migraines not long after this trip and after much pain and many injections for the pain my dr finally sent me to see a "pain specialist" ohhhh myyy god... this man is magic.. he went over my xrays of neck with a fine tooth comb and gave total undivided attention to the problem... he prescribed a drug and gave me the warning that it "may not work" but we needed to try it anyway.... well it worked alright... I am almost back to the me I was ooooo I can't remember when.... probably a good 7 + years I have no headache anymore and no unbearable pain... bad news is the drug will cost at least $115 a month... but hey........... it works!!!
My Marriage.... oooooo I went thru a massive rocky patch with this one... hubby and I came as close as I think I ever want to get to a total split. Most of our problems seem to centre around my 15 yr old sons misadventures (my husband is his step father) and my husbands total lack of tolerance or understanding of the situation. I think we are kinda on the same page again. at least I hope we are..... stay tuned for this one
My Son.... well as you could expect from previous paragraph... my son has upped the pressure bigfold... he was (has.... still is or not I don't know yet) smoking marijuanna I think daily. And to say it mildly he hasn't been the easiest little cherub to live with. What do you do though???? What would you do if you were in my shoes ?? (I will write more about this situation but just not right now.... don't want to overwhelm you with too much info yet). The final note is and always will be for me is that Matthew is my child that I brought into this world and no matter what he does or says, nothing will ever change that "I" introduced him to the world. I live by the saying of "nothing worth doing is ever easy" when it comes to matthew,... He is MY worth doing!
My Daughter... Lala is going great guns, her belly is (omg I should lie down on my wooden floors... touch wood) fantastic. She is a adorable kid my Laura but again very very will full at times..... hmmmmm I wonder if my being a firey red head has anything at all to do with my childrens complete stubborness.................... NAHHHHHHHHHHHH
I am facing the return of the Singing Lesson from hell this weekend and yes I am totally organising the whole thing ( I am sure I only offered help) ..... if he yells at me this time I may well just yell back. LOL.
ok its midnight and I am about to turn soooo thats it for me tonight.... hopefully it won't take me 6mths to post again...
HUGGLES
c

I've been tagged

Yes I've been tagged by Jen if I'm up to it. I think I can handle it, actually it' a bit of fun. Now the rules are:
* - Pick up the nearest book, turn to page 123 and copy down the 5th sentence on that page and the 3 following sentences.
* - Now tag at least 5 other people.

Ok my nearest book on my bookshelf next to my computer is "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff... and its all small stuff by Richard Carlson.

* - "After all, none of us likes to be criticized: Our reaction to criticism is usually to become defensive and/or withdrawn. A person who feels attacked is likely to do one of two things; he will either retreat in fear or shame, or he will attack or lash out in anger."

hmmmmmm ok ok soooo this is something I NEEDED to read right now and it is amazingly/spookly relevent to me right now. I am sure this relates to what occured during the singing lesson from hell. I fit into the first category whereas I retreated in shame and pretty much well stuck my head in the sand. I even withdrew entry from a local eisteddfod as well. Soooo after reading the whole section, I gather I need to utelize these feelilngs and direct them towards a positive. Which I will do! I have re-entered the eisteddfod and I am singing (pretty much dedicated to Jen, who shows me spirit and strength every day) I am not normally such a weak person, and I am not sure when the weaknesses in me surfaced.

For now I must tag five people but I am yet to make more than just one friend on this site, and she tagged me... Sooooo Jen ... this is for you!!

Laura is Sick : (

My Lovely little Laura is sick again, and its just breaking my heart. To explain, Laura has inherited my bowel condition sooo in basic terms she has sluggish bowel from hell. We give her a glass of bowel prep every day just to keep her somewhat normal, and then if she shows signs of a blockage or loaded bowel then I give her as much bowel prep as it takes in as short a time as possible til her output (nicer word to describe it) is clear. This is a terribly draining process on any adult body little own an 8 yr old child. Well I did that last friday ... she had in the course of one day 5 glasses of bowel prep... and I HAD thought we had it covered! If I give her a washout I will always take her to our peadiatrician for a follow appt to make sure all is ok... Which we did yesterday. Unfortunately she has major faecal loading again... sooo long story short I have to put Laura thru hell again and if that fails then she will be put in hospital for the dreaded NasoGastric tube and the bowel prep forced into her system via that. Our new regime for at least the next 10 days is 1/2 a durolax (laxative) tab a day, 4 (yes you read right FOUR) glasses of bowel prep a day, and a mini enema a day. I just feel so sad for her right now. I am so worried how her little body is going to cope with all that bowel prep for such a long time. I worry for her future and the possibility of her ending up with an ostomy. Its one thing to go through personally... but an entirely different matter when its your child. I feel horrible that I have given this condition to her (before you say it, I know I didn't do it deliberately and that there would have been nothing I could have done to prevent it.... but it doesn't make it hurt any less).

I also have this beautiful new friend Jen .. her blog is called "the comfy place" and I am not sure I am capable of putting what she is experiencing into words..... (am crying now) This gorgeous gorgeous woman is MY age and has just been told she may not live out the year! (I agree Jen... "What the?") I have come and sat at my computer for ages over the past few days when I have had a chance to try and come up with some words of wisdom, support, love.... but I am stuck I don't know what to say, I don't know what "I" would want said if the tables were turned and it were me... (I will find these words Jen, ... I promise) I want her to know even though we have just met, that I feel a strong bond of sisterhood to her. I want her to know I am here come rain or shine for her. I am just lost a bit for the words. (I know you will most likely read this...)

I want to inspire her, to send her strength and love.

Illness and the word "SICK" are such dirty dirty words... I HATE them and everything that they can bring into a persons life.... affecting not only the intended target but all and asunder around that person.

Ok I think on that (rather cheery) not I think I should go to bed... its midnight and my owl status is starting to overwhelm me.... I need sleep I think

Laura is Sick : (

My poor little baby boy

awwww my poor little baby (well he is 15 and at least a foot taller than me but he will always be my bubba) Matty had a sebacious cyst just on the crease behind his ear removed this morning. He was quite a difficult child last night as he had worked himself into a rather huge state over the whole concept of having needles and scapels attack his head. I wanted to cry for him, but alas had to adopt cold hearted mumsy approach just to keep him as calm as possible. Just before he left he looked at me (and I swear he looked no bigger than when he was a 4yr old) and asked... is it going to hurt? will I get blood on my clothes?? I just wanted to grab him tuck him up on my lap, (something which would look a tad odd right now heh hehe) and hug him til he felt brave enough to face the day. Well we went and the cysts were removed and he came out laughing (PHEW!!!!) As his appt with the dr was at the same time I had to drop his 8yr old sister off to school I had my dad take Matt to the dr and met them there. I do think the whole thing was easier for him because he had his Grand-dad with him... (ohhhh thank GOD for my Daddy). OK time to go pick little missy LaLa (Laura) up from school.... Just wanted to share!!

I survived the "almost" unsurvivable singing lesson

Hi
I wonder if anyone other than me even reads this blog. I did get yr post Jen thankyou! (just in case you come back) You amaze me you know! You have such a elegant writing style, I am compelled to read and hang on every word. OK... soooo, todays singing workshop was, as I predicted, insanely busy. Somehow I have managed to get myself nominated to be the Public Relations/assistant co-ordinator for these workshops. Tis ok! I don't mind and really it is an honour and I learn just soooo much from just sitting back and listening. I did get totally decimated during my own private lesson tho, I needed it.... but yah I crashed and burned into a big heap of flames! Nothing that was said to me wasn't true, I was hiding my inner "fears" of performing and singing behind my cheekiness (Yahhhhh I knoooowwww, tis difficult to believe that "I" could be cheeky) and banter. He was like a heat sensing missile, finding its target and blasting it into smithereens. I have been well and truly scolded and told its time to get serious. I do tend to hide behind humour if I am in an uncomfortable spot. But he's right! if I am going pay for workshops and private lessons then I need to concentrate and work at what I am there for, rather than waste everyone's time. I did have a small bleed from my ileo last night and am feeling very washed out and somewhat dizzy tonight, but I didn't need any pain relief soooo not a bad one I guess. PHEW.... disaster adverted nicely!
Alrighty I have been awake and pretty much moving for over 14hrs now soooo I think its time to tuck my weary self into bed..... hopefully you won't see me blogging again at 4am
till next time....."sooo long fair well, a veet tisane adieu, adieu to you and you and you and youuuu"

am getting way more familiar with 4am in the morning than I would like!

Hello again
Ok soooo things with my tummy settled down after a rather rough few days, and I am reasonably normal again... Tonight is a semi-rough night... as its 4am again and I am awake because my tummy is sore... not sore enough to need the ever dreaded morphine but enough to wake me and get me out of my bed. I think I am bleeding from my ileostomy again... am having a few issues with it and am having tests on the 5th of March in Sydney.
I have been flat out today, I just didn't stop (or should I say yesterday.. although I am guessing today will be just as busy if not worse) I have been at a Vocal Workshop with internationally acclaimed Opera singer David Wakeham over this weekend we had a session saturday and will be again on sunday. It is such an honour and he is an awesome teacher... I feel just soooo (bogun... no other word for it really) I love to sing, singing lifts me and my soul and helps me to retreat to a place where my world is fine and there is no pain.... NO time for pain when singing in front of people or in a choir. But alas, as a singer, I think I make a fantastic actress (LOL). Hopefully today I will do better in the group session!
Everyone partaking in the course had to sing solo (in front of everyone else ((((OMG))) was my immediate reaction, I love performing, I love acting, but HELL singing in front of people is a bigtime scary for me. In acting there are just words... there are no bum notes to worry about but singing solo well....... (for me.. a few bum notes). Well guess who got cornered in our group and dragged (yes I admit .. almost kicking and screaming at this point) up on to the stage to sing an unprepared piece of music I only bought 2 days ago. (Misty!) beautiful song but I need to practice. Confidence is a bit of a hurdle for me when it comes to singing...
I have another workshop day with him again today... it will be a long day today... I have this vocal workshop starting at 10am til 1pm then my choir rehearsals 1.30 - 4.30 then a solo lesson with Mr Wakeham.
Plus to ad to all of this Mick ... my darling one .. goes back to work at 8am in the morning for his next 2 week away stint ... he's a miner! I miss him so much when he's away... am not sure it is something I will ever get used to. He goes away to work for 2wks and (on THIS current roster) he is home for 2wks... this is the best with away and home time we have ever done but its still hard.
right now 4.30am ... time to try to sleep again... am turning into an owl!!!

3.30 am and I can't sleep.....

hello again..... its now 3.30am and I have now had 2 doses of liquid morphine, and am still not having the best of nights... I am fine when I am up and moving... but lying down in bed is entirely a different matter... My tummy is so sore tonite and I am so darn tired I just want to cry right now. I have to be up again in ooo 3 hrs to organise breakfasts and lunches and uniforms for the day. I try to not let the kids see just "how" much pain my tummy can cause, a) because its quite personal to me and b) I just don't think it would be good for them to know.
I don't really like anyone knowing, I like the illusion that I am coping and all is fine. The less stress I place on those in my world around me.... then the less stress I create in my own world.
Hell I don't even know if anyone will even read this... Rightio... I guess if I can't sleep then there is no excuse to have a messy kitchen is there.... Maybe I should organise school lunches now rather than in three hours when I am totally wrecked and most likely grumpy from all the morphine I have taken tonight... (god i hate the stuff... takes pain away yes... but ughgh it leaves me feeling ... well just plain ugh for the next day at least)

ok, so I am new to this game of blogging... so you will have to bear with me a bit, I will learn as I go I think. I am Carmel I am 38 and an Ostomate, (whats that I hear some of you say).... well basically my system can no longer eliminate waste the normal way (as that bit of me is a tad broken) sooo I have a ileostomy (a bag). I am mum to my wonderful ever challenging ever amazing Matthew 15 (you may occassionally hear me mutter a smidge about Matty... he's a teenager... I am a mum.... and at times its a bit of an interesting mix to say the least). Matt is currently going thru quite a battle with depression and I may lean on this blog at times just to exhale. I also am mumsy to my delightful Laura (lala...so named cause she never stops singing) who is all of 8 yrs old. I am married to my prince charming Michael, but he works away alot and in the end we only get to be together about 1/3 to 1/2 a year, he's a miner... His jobs worries and scares me constantly... but its a job and its what he does. I am in a bit of pain tonight, so I apologize if this is rambly, its late, I am tired, but when I lie down, I feel the pain.

Actually I might even just end this one here and try again to blog tomorrow... I like this idea... kinda like a diary only an open one that means new friendships and maybe support if I am feeling low.