update

ok... Matthew has moved in with his god father who has laid down the law. I have told Matty that due to recent behaviours that he cannot come here unless I have Mick or another "male" family member here. Matty did succeed in getting that job he had a trial for this morning and was asked to return to work this afternoon. I am happy for him, he will do well, besides from all the behaviours he has exhibited to me he is a very good and responsible worker. I know my decent matthew is in there.
Me well I thought I was cried out but have cried some more. I am definately on the mend now though. I can't wait for my husband (who works away from home in a mine) to return on Saturday. I need a hug!

and so it goes on.....

well, so much has happened since the uplifting he is home and on my terms post. I have kicked him out again. I am not sure I want him to come home this time. God what happened to him to make him like this, what did I do? I know that I shouldn't blame myself but seriously, where did it go wrong? I saw this coming, honestly I did and I did everything in my control to try to advert this disaster. I sent him to psychologists, I took him to the dr, I had the police raid my house in search for HIS drugs. I tried being more firm, more soft, more understanding, more intolerant. Nothing I have done has worked. I can't even begin to tell you how much this is messing with my head and the pain associated. I don't think I can cry any more though, I think I may be all cried out now.
He went to punch me this afternoon because I was trying to put my foot down to him. Then called me a name that NO Son should ever utter or even think about their own mother! I cannot and will not live with abuse and violence in my own home.... it is NOT acceptable for a man to raise his fist to a woman ... ever. So I did what I had to do, I told him to leave and not come back this time.
I even gave him the link to this page you know.... to see if I could chip through the ice that had formed around his heart to the little man I know is deep inside.... for a moment I had thought I had cracked through. That was all I asked for, was that little crack but it has quickly shut all my love out again.
I feel sick you know, when there are terrible things happening to wonderful people in my life. I feel terrible to not get this element in my life right. To not get through to my child that no matter, he is a part of me. Right now that part aches and outright hurts. There is just nothing left now.... just pain

And so the circle does turn

OK... Matt is home again, speaking all the correct answers, but we will see. I am a little brighter now. I am fighting a dreadful sore throat at the moment which I guess is quite possibly a result of all the stress. I spoke with Laura's physiotherapist yesterday and asked if he knew the best gym or trainer for me to begin my "tis time" get fit again regime. He has given me the name of a trainer who will be able to take into account all the surgeries I have had on my stomach and develop a program that will increase my fitness and develop that core strength that I so desperately need. Am a little nervous about exercising again, I am terrified of hernia's (I have already had the stoma redone 6 times due to my developing hernia's. Am kinda over the whole operation and going to hospital thing. Actually I might go see if I can get thru to this guy now again. I did ring yesterday but had to leave a message. Am a bit wary but oooo sooooo desperately do not want to be fat and I am rapidly getting there. Wish me luck!! will go make that call now before I chicken out.

for Matty

Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Matty.... I am trying I am really trying, but right now I am just so mad at you, at the world, at the universe. I am trying to understand where you are in life and accept. But I am mad because I love you and wether you chose to believe me or not.... nothing good will come of the pattern with booze and drugs right now. Please take this time to start anew, to begin the life you deserve and be the person that everyone but you can see that you can and will be. I do love you... deeply! But you have forced my hand, I cannot and will not accept drugs and abuse in my life and in your little sisters life. This is not what I want her to grow seeing. Its bad enough that you both have a knowlegde of pain and pain relief thru my own health issues, perhaps I was wrong in not hiding those problems from you both. At the time I felt that it was important you knew and understood what was happening with your mummy.

You are always welcome to be a part of your family, but due to recent occurences its time I put my foot down and make conditions for you.

* You NEED to accept that you have addiction problems

* You NEED to accept the help that we are all trying to give you

* You really do need to relearn respect, and know your place within this household and behave in that way

We love you Matty, you know that. But none of us are capable of staying with on this path of self destruction. Because it is destroying all of us alongside you. This is breaking my heart Matty!